


The Blissful Agony of Loving Her

by wolf3223



Category: Carmilla (Web Series)
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-09-10
Updated: 2015-09-10
Packaged: 2018-04-20 00:27:43
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,141
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4766684
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wolf3223/pseuds/wolf3223
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Alright, remember Natasha's idea for the first date for Carmilla and Laura? Well, I got the idea from that. Carmilla is leading Laura through the tunnels beneath the Dean's house and stuff happens. Yes, Carmilla is holding Laura's hand to lead her through. There is a little angst, but there's also fluff<br/>This is my first Carmilla fic and I haven't edited it and I wrote it in maybe three hours, so any mistakes are mine.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Blissful Agony of Loving Her

Carmilla’s POV

 

“Where are you taking me?” Laura questions. 

As always, she’s curious and asking questions. No wonder she did so well in her journalism class. 

“You’ll find out soon enough, cupcake.”

She huffs, annoyed, and we walk in relative silence, the only sound coming from the clack of our shoes against the hard floors. I am holding her hand in mine and desperately trying not to focus on how right it feels as I lead her through the tunnels beneath Mother’s old house. 

These passageways come together and loop around. They’re practically a maze. My first couple times I got lost and had panic attacks because I was underground in a small space I couldn’t get out of. And then Mattie would come looking for me and lead me out, murmuring soothing words. She may not be a great person, but she’s a good sister.

After how many years I’ve spent roaming around down here, I know this place like I do the bloodstained wood that I stared at for decades. I have a backpack on my back and I’m dragging my ex-girlfriend through a labyrinth. She probably thinks I’m going to kill her or kidnap her or something. I wonder if she thinks I dragged her down here to… be alone with her. I gently squeeze her hand, trying to reassure her. 

“Are you lost?” Her heart is beating faster. Perhaps from panic, amusement, or something else.

“No.”

She snorts, but stops walking as she sees where I’ve been leading her. “Carm…”

“It’s where I used to go when being around Mother got to be too much, or when I needed time alone.”

It’s a small room built into the side of the tunnels. Bookshelves stuffed full of books cover half of the far wall. Small stacks cover the ground near it. The books I have are historical, philosophy, or romance. I know I’m a sap. I love to hate those stupid romance novels for a girl falls for normal-but-there’s-something-different-about-him books. They’re so cheesy, and predictable, and would be so much better with two girls, but whatever.

There’s a wardrobe next to the shelves with extra clothes. Sometimes I used to stay down here for weeks, or as long as I needed to steel myself for my next encounter with Mother.

There’s a desk with pencils and quills and drawing covering it next to the wardrobe. I came down here a couple times when my feelings for Laura got too intense for me to handle last semester. I hope she doesn’t mind I drew her a couple times. An old painting of me from when I was human and called Mircalla hangs on the wall. A small, plain bed with scratchy green covers is in the right corner. A plain oak table is in the center of the room with two chairs on either side. A large bean bag chair is to the far left against the wall.  
I take off the backpack and begin pulling out food. There’s blood, sweets, and fruits and vegetables. Though I have to admit it has been odd to see Laura eat semi-healthy food. 

“This isn’t going to change anything.” Her voice cracks and her eyes are full of pain. I hate myself because I know that it’s me that has hurt her.

“I know.”

I know she loves me, and I hope by now she knows I love her. But she wants me to be a hero, someone who throws themself in harm’s way to help someone just for the sake of helping. I’m not that person. And I don’t know if I ever can be. I would willingly go on a suicide mission if it had the slightest chance of saving her. Laura is the only person I’ve found in more than a century worth dying for. And at the same time, she’s the reason I’m alive in a way I never knew before. I am free from my Mother, and nothing but her ties me to this world. Some could call it one string holding up a boulder, but I see her as the ground beneath me as I fall. I’ve fallen for her and nothing I have ever felt could compare to the blissful agony of loving her.

I know that if we ever get back together, we need to listen to each other more than we did. We need to grow as people-human and vampire, technically, but still-before that can happen again. If that ever happens again.

Because if we end up doing what we did last time, it would break me. Having her again after what has been the most excruciating few weeks of my life (yes, that’s including the coffin) only to lose her again… Losing her once was bad enough. The place in my chest where my heart used to be is empty, still hoping for her to give me her heart. 

Mine belonged to her the moment she kissed me back.

Laura cocks her head, giving me a confused look. God, she’s adorable. “Then why? Why bring me down here and spread out food? Why me?”

“I’ve been around Mattie and JP too long in that cramped cellar; they’re getting on my nerves. You know I don’t particularly like the Ginger Squad. You’re the only one I can stand to be around for more than five minutes without wanting to stake someone. Besides, I enjoy your company.” Laura still seems skeptical. “And with Ginger One missing, you’re  
more stressed than usual. I figured this might relax you!”

“I’m calm!” She squeaks. Her face turns a cute shade of red at the impressively high pitch of her voice.

“Sure, creampuff, whatever you say.”

Instead of allowing this to become an argument, I let go of her hand and pull out a chair for her. When Laura realizes, her face gets even rosier. She says a quick thank you, sits quickly and manages to not miss the chair in her haste. With her random acts of clumsiness, that’s quite an accomplishment. I push the chair in, careful to give her breathing space. More than once I have been forcefully shoved toward the table in my youth. I’ve found that good food is even more enjoyable when you can breathe.

I pour my blood into a glass and take a sip. It’s B Positive, and it’s not bad. I take a cookie, there’s a specific brand Laura loves, and I can tell just from this first bite why she loves them so much. Usually cookies crumble and get all over my clothes, but these are held together by gooey chocolate in the middle. 

We eat in silence, but our eyes keep flicking towards each other. 

When we finish, I gather up the dishes and leftovers-there aren’t any cookies left, but I’m just as guilty as Laura, those things are insanely delicious-and stuff them back into my backpack.

I straighten up and look her in the eyes because I want her to know it’s entirely her choice. I would never force her to do something if it makes her uncomfortable. I’m not sure how comfortable she is being around me. “We can go up now if you’d like, or we can stay down here a little longer. It’s up to you.”

Laura shrugs, giving me a calm, happy smile. I instantly relax. “I’m fine here, Carm.”

I nod, “Alright. We can leave any time you want.”

I sit in the bean bag chair, and let it adjust to my weight after months of my absence. Laura walks over and sits right next to me, also on the bean bag chair. It moves her towards me-I swear, sometimes it seems like it’s got a mind of its own-until we’re shoulder to shoulder.

I hold my breath and wait for her to leap away and demand that I take her back to her friends. Instead, she rests her head on my shoulder, making a content noise.  
This is the closest we’ve been since we broke up, aside from the kissing incident. I take a deep breath and let myself take in her scent. Laura smells like sweets and honey and happiness. I rest my head on hers, purring contently for the first time in what seems like forever.

I feel her shoulders shake with laughter and I let out a satisfied yet questioning hum.

“You’re a giant black cat, huh?” 

She giggles and I chuckle with her, remembering the first time she said that to me. That was a perfect end to a perfect day. After the giggles, we laid together on her bed with our heads close on her yellow pillow, just reveling in the fact that we’re both alive.

“That was a beautiful way to ruin a beautiful moment.” I lift my head up, grinning.

“Which time?” Laura teases.

I turn to look at her and my breath catches in my throat. She’s right there. I could lean in just an inch and kiss her.

Never before has an inch seemed so far.

“Laura…” I trail off, not sure how to phrase this. I don’t want her doing anything she’ll regret.

She ignores my lack of words and presses her lips to mine. I feel tears build in my eyes as I close them, determined to focus on nothing but her. She’s kissing me gently and  
cradling my jaw, as if one wrong move could cause me to shatter. For all I know, it could.

I rest my hands on her waist, keeping my touch light so she can pull away easily. 

Laura breaks the kiss like I knew she would and I can feel an ache in my chest no one but her could ever fill. She gasps for breath for a moment and I watch her through hooded eyes. Our faces are still close, our noses brushing each other with each movement. 

To my surprise, she leans back in and kisses me again. I almost am frozen, my mind going a million miles a second because this time, I can feel the emotions behind the kiss better than I ever have before.

I can feel her sadness, her fear, but most of all, I can feel her love. It’s almost overwhelming, how loving this tiny human is. My heart cracks, breaks open, and all the emotions I’ve hidden and put away are going into this kiss. 

How it felt to be in that bloody coffin, how it felt to be turned, finding out I’m a monster, how it felt to be betrayed by Ell, how it felt having Mattie around when I was younger. How I love her. That is the most prominent thing. In everything I do, in every breath I breathe, in every second my heart doesn’t beat, I’m loving her.

This time, I pull away because I know she needs to breathe. She rests her forehead against mine and I can feel my body trembling. I am terrified. I’m so close to what I want, who I want. She could deny me a relationship and I wouldn’t care. She could order me to go to my death, and I’d willingly walk to my demise. I love her with every fiber of my being and having to act like I don’t is killing me.

But the pain is worth it if it means it will make her happy or give her peace. I am dying inside every time I see her and yet I am hoping this exquisite torture will never end. There is nothing I would rather have than her, but if she wants me to stay away, I know I will.

I wait for her to speak.

“I love you.” I stare at her with wide, hopeful eyes. Did she just say…? Laura seems to understand my expression, because she repeats those beautiful three words. “I love you, Carmilla Karnstein.”

I press a tender kiss to the corner of her mouth, which twitches up into a happy smile at my action. “I love you too, cupcake. Always.” Our lips meet again, our matching grins making it near impossible. We make it work anyways. I pull back and meet her loving gaze. “This isn’t going to be easy. I don’t have any of that key in a lock kind of love to give you.”

I wait for Laura to turn away, to call me a monster, to run the other way. She doesn’t. “I know. Nothing in this world is easy. And any love you have to give me, I’ll take it.” She kisses me again, “We’ll make this work.”

I capture her lips in a kiss that sends shots of adrenaline through my body. She is once again mine, as I am forever hers.

If my undead heart could beat, it would beat for her.

How did I ever survive without her?

**Author's Note:**

> Hello! Follow me on Tumblr if you want (my name on there is also wolf3223 and the picture is of the Tardis). Thanks for reading and stay awesome!


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